The best of what we learned from the new Bolts’ Twitter AMAs

We’re officially 32 days out from the Lightning’s Opening Night matchup with the Nashville Predators.

And while the Bolts’ usual, decorated core of elite skaters with boat parade experience is back, there are a few new faces you’ll likely see come October 10.

Josh Archibald, Luke Glendening, Calvin de Haan and Conor Sheary each bring a new set of skills and strengths that GM Julien BriseBois believes will fit right in with the Lightning way.

But what are the new signings like off the ice? If history has taught us anything, it’s that Locker Room Vibes can play a crucial role when it comes to making a deep playoff run. Something the Bolts no doubt have their sights on for the 2023-24 season.

Luckily, the fine folks over at Tampa Bay Lightning X spent the past few weeks providing a forum for fans to ask the new guys anything—a good old-fashioned #AMA—and they delivered. Here’s the best of what we learned from four rounds of AMAs.

Conor Sheary grew up watching Steven Stamkos and Dumb and Dumber, just like the rest of us

Perhaps the most relatable part of this tweet is the fact that Sheary is only two years younger than Stamkos. Which is less of a miscalculation on Sheary’s part and more of a testament to Stammer’s prodigious talent and storied career. I, too, tell people I grew up watching athletes like Stamkos, Lavonte David and Kevin Kiermaier. All of whom are younger than me. All of whom I feel like I watched on a 20” Zenith via Time Warner Cable at some point in their careers. The concept of time does not exist within the realm of sports fandom.

Sheary answers one of life’s age-old questions:

Good on @jaredthfc for getting an answer to a question that I imagine has been plaguing him for months, maybe years. And good on Conor Sheary for answering.

Unfortunately, I’m not exactly sure there’s an outcome in which the person fighting either of these scenarios doesn’t end up severely injured, maybe even deceased.

Here’s Regular-Sized Victor Hedman exchanging a few molly-whops with Buffalo-native Marcus Foligno. And while the duck-sized version would be substantially smaller, anyone who’s seen a Jurassic Park movie knows that even the tiniest of creatures can inflict a painful death when they have the numbers. And considering the Compsognathus (or any dinosaur) has never won a Norris Trophy, we have to give an even further edge to the 100 Hedmans.

The other side of the “Would You Rather” isn’t necessarily the bright side either. A quick bit of research tells us that many ducks can and will behave dangerously toward humans if threatened. And Hedman is tall—famously tall—at 6’6”. A Florida man was killed by a Non-Victor Hedman-Sized Duck in 2001. While ducks can also carry deadly diseases such as E. Coli and salmonella. Taking on a massive, flying beast of wings, beak and bacterial disease sure feels like a daunting and insurmountable task.

Let’s move on though, as it’s probably best for everyone’s sanity to stop typing about this.

Luke Glendening is missing three teeth, loves listening to Larry Fleet and enjoys eating Sour Patch Watermelon

Did you know? 55.7% is not only Luke Glendening’s career face-off success rate, but the percentage of people in the Tampa Bay area who are also missing three teeth, love listening to Larry Fleet and enjoy eating Sour Patch Watermelon.

Fact checks aside, Glendening genuinely feels like a player Bolts fans will hit it off with by season’s end.

Josh Archibald’s shins are happy to be on the same team as Victor Hedman

No word yet on if the Hedman-sized duck has a slapshot in his arsenal capable of breaking shin pads.

Tampa Bay’s pedigree is as reputable as ever

Every new Bolt asked to participate in the AMAs, in one form or another, expressed a clear excitement and respect for joining an organization that’s made the playoffs nine of the last 10 years.

Country music also seems to be a theme here

If the guys ever find themselves in a chemistry rut this season, they can always throw on some 99.5 QYK to get the juice flowing.  

Trailer Park Boys and The Office Hive, make room for Calvin de Haan

“’You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.

– Wayne Gretzky’

                                                      —Michael Scott”

                                                                  — Cole de Haan