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Cooking Up Some Christmas Cards

by Mike Ulmer / Toronto Maple Leafs
It’s true, Christmas is Friday so if you are like me, you are a little late with your Christmas cards.


Not to worry, though.

E-Mail means never having to say you’re sorry. It also cuts down on those pesky holiday cards in which friends from high school crow about kids who happen to be Nobel laureates or at the very least astronauts. Accomplished people hold out for paper and pen because it’s harder and that’s what they are all about. That is why, by the way, the polka still has a hold in Eastern European countries. Everything, even dancing, has to be hard. But I digress. 

Since I spend many waking hours watching or talking to the Toronto Maple Leafs, I thought it wise to cook up some customized Christmas cards that come with the requisite flowery prose. The Leafs can look forward to finding them any time they glance at their computers or e-mails. Some will smile wryly. Some will print them out for their grandchildren. That part is not up to me.  It is only for me to give.

To Tomas Kaberle
Despite all the goals and assists that you’ve made.
With each enemy marker the fans cry for your trade.
It’s hard to discern any sense from the talk
They downgrade your value in their internet squawk
And though they may claim there would be no loss tomorrow
They want in return a  Joe Thornton or Chara

To Ron Wilson
For Christmas I wager you just might agree
That overtime losses bring not one point but three
That Kulemin’s offence will come home to stay
Now that his defence is salted away
That in this season of bangles and bells
You can fix the worst PK in the whole NHL.

To Jonas Gustavsson
For the season we’d  like to buy, steal or lease
A little good luck so you can Christmas in peace
From groin to ablation and things in between
You’ve had more bad luck than any goalie we’ve seen
So given a choice, here’s the thing that we’d choose
To make how you played the only thing in the news

To Nazem Kadri
London is nice, like fine flowers in a  vase
I would not try to slam that most pleasanty place
But if only you could add just a little more weight
There are people right here who would think that just great
So sharpen your skills and showcase to all
As long as Toronto’s  your home in the Fall

To Brian Burke
The problem this Christmas and Christmases to come
Is that other General Managers aren’t silly  or dumb
For the Leaf Nation trades that are often proposed
Don’t sit for GMs who don’t want to get hosed
But the challenge for the man who captains this vessel
How to land a dozen players who play like Phil Kessel

To Viktor Stalberg
If I looked like you Viktor, my wife she would cry
I should stay in the house on every day with a y
With your glamourous features and your stride oh so fleet
The rest of us guys can’t really compete
So if you’d do me a favor amidst the cheer and the cheers
Could you play with a visor for a couple of years
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