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Dutch Schnell Welcomes Back The Canucks

by Staff Writer / Minnesota Wild
Dutch Schnell Welcomes Back The Canucks
October 13, 2005

Dutch Schnell, goalie racer here. I bet you can just feel my smile emanating from your computer screen. You'd think I just sent that deer tick collecting goalie-racer, Egg Olson headlong through a pane of Plexiglas. Alas, no such luck I'm sorry to report.

The reason I'm dancing like MC Hammer is because of the pasting dealt to the Vancouver Canucks on Wednesday night at the Xcel Energy Center.

Do you want to know what the best part about it is? I called the win! I did! I absolutely called it!

Now, I can see you all now, gazing at your computer screen, slamming your fist on your desk and startling your co-workers while shouting, "Hogwash, Dutch! HogWASH! Why didn't you tell us before the game if you were so sure!"

The reason my friends, is that I have been forbidden from publishing my predictions on Yes, that's right. To my dismay, and to the dismay of the entire State of Hockey legion, I was instructed by Wild brass, to cease and desist with all predictions, so as not to provide the opponent with "bulletin board material."

Apparently, the "higher-ups" had taken notice of privileged information that I provided readers, informing them that the Wild would take down the Calgary Flames on Opening Night. And of course, they did.

I pleaded with the check writers to understand that I don't make "predictions," but rather, I crunch numbers that provide impenetrably solid data that is beyond argument.

But, when I saw a Vice President reaching for a stack on pink slips convenient located within arms reach, I began to see things their way. I am nothing if not a "yes goalie-racer," so I refuse to call another Wild victory for Friday night’s rematch, or any other contest for that matter.

But just know this important tidbit. The Wild have never, I repeat, NEVER lost to the Vancouver Canucks in the month of October. They are undefeated in that month against the Canucks at 1-0. And before you start diving for your daily planner, I'll save you the trouble and tell you that today is the 14th...of October.

Do what you want with that information, but I stress to you, DO NOT post it on any bulletin boards, for it is most decidedly NOT a prediction. Heed my words SOH legion, or I will be knocking on your door and asking if I can shovel your sidewalk since you cost me my job. You do not want this to happen.

Finally, I'll touch on a few other topics that have me scratching my head.

What's the deal with people still claiming that the Wild is a defensive, trapping team? Did I miss something on Wednesday? Minnesota piled up six goals for the second time at home. They could have had four more. Our boys in Forest Green and Iron Range Red were 3-for-5 on the power play, and they killed off eight penalties in a 6-0 win. That's not playing defensive. That's getting all Chuck Norris on you. That's exactly what our homeboys did to the "West Coast Express" last night.

Secondly: I'm not going to sit here and rip on Todd Bertuzzi. The State of Hockey legion is obviously quite skilled in that department. But I've been wondering if it was Bertuzzi who played the role of Yankee slugger Clue Haywood in the epic baseball movie, "Major League?"

Finally, did you see the story about the 13-foot python that tried to eat a six-foot alligator in Florida? In case you’re not in the mood to click on the link that I so conveniently provided, a python tried to devour an alligator, which eventually caused them both to perish.

First off, what was the python thinking when he decided, "Well, I don't see any mice running around on this gorgeous day, maybe I'll slither over to the pond and snare myself a giant, man-eating alligator for lunch?"

But, what's even more mind-boggling is trying to figure out what the alligator was thinking as the python started eating him. Did he think it was a joke and he decided not to fight back until he found himself in the python's digestive tract? Was he asleep?

You're an alligator buddy! Fight back! You'll go toe-to-toe with a hippo, but you're willing to get pushed around by a snake with no legs? Show that toughness we've heard so much about up here in Minnesota.

Now I am nothing if not a lover of all animals, minus Egg Olson, but perhaps our animal kingdom is a better place without those two utterly insane reptiles.

I'll leave you to ponder that State of Hockey legion!

I am Dutch Schnell and a goalie racer.

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