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Dutch Schnell: Surviving The Deadline

by Staff Writer / Minnesota Wild

Dutch Schnell, goalie-racer here, and as you can tell by peering at the photo to the left, I am breathing heavy sighs of relief.

That’s right State of Hockey legion, you’ve got me for another three years, with an option for a fourth. My agent (Andy the Intern) finally got off his duff and got a deal done, extending my goalie-racing contract just seconds before the trade deadline passed. I think it’s a win-win deal for both sides. I want to be a part of a winner. The future Mrs. Schnell likes it here, and there’s something to be said for spending your entire goalie-racing career with one team.

The bad news? Puppy-hating Egg Olson also survived the deadline, and he will be around at least through the end of the season. More on him in two shakes of a lamb’s tail.

One unfortunate soul, who barely survived the deadline, was everybody’s favorite media relations’ dude, Aaron Sickman. I meandered by his desk around 1:30 PM yesterday and his face was the color of in-season plums as he dealt with countless media calls from Lars Larsson in Belgium asking if the rumors of Willie Mitchell being shipped to the second largest state were true.

 Has there ever been a tougher bunch of Karate preppies from California than the Cobra Kai?
By the time he had sent out his latest press release and compiled the career statistics of Martin Skoula, he’d looked as if he was just jumped in an alley by every member of the Cobra Kai dressed up skeleton costumes; only Mr. Miyagi wasn’t there to bail him out.

He’s back at work today, although he’s eating his ham and cheese lunch intravenously.

Before I get into my trade analysis, I’d like to address last week’s goalie race, which was embroiled in controversy. Some eyebrows were raised on a lambasting I put on that pollution-promoting Olson. With Eldrick “Piney” Woods easily running away with the race (congrats to the upper level end zones), I took it upon myself to disqualify…um…myself, by venturing off course and sending an unmistakable message to Olson.

That message? Pain.

I’ll let you see for yourself by clicking here, where you can see the entire race and relive the thrill of Olson getting pummeled.

Some may call the end-of-race hit a cheap shot. I prefer to think of it as an extremely well timed, completely called for, poetic, over-the-top cheap shot.

Come on people! He had it coming! This guy makes Mike Keenan look like Barney the Dinosaur. He breeds sea lampreys and zebra mussels and throws them into our lakes for kicks. He’s a menace. He’s like Jarkko Ruutu and Matt Cooke all rolled into one. He’s Jarkat Cootu.

As goalie-racing aficionado Pedro Martinez might say, I am his daddy. So what if I need to remind him of that from time to time?

Now then, we can put that topic to rest, and get to the meat and potatoes of why we’re here. Certainly, there’s big some big news around Wild camp, and I’m not talking about Nick Schultz’ huge victory in the Wild in the Aisles competition on Wednesday (which I highly encourage you to watch by clicking here).

I’m talking about the departure of the aforementioned Mitchell and Dwayne Roloson, and the arrival of Martin Skoula, Shawn Belle, and First-Round Pick.

I’ll miss both Roloson and Mitchell immensely. They were team players and both made memorable contributions to this team, and the community. But I’m going to have to give Mr. Risebrough two blocker thumbs up on his deadly deadline maneuvers.

 Dutch got the last word in his race with Egg in last week’s goalie race. Click the photo to see it.
By essentially adding a first-round pick, a top prospect and a sturdy Stanley Cup winner with offensive capabilities while subtracting two players that likely would not have come back next year, I don’t see how you can go wrong.

Plus, you can’t have two “Roli’s” in the dressing room. You just can’t. One of them had to go because it was just way to annoying to say, “Hey Roli!” with both Roloson and Brian Rolston looking over and saying, “wassup?”

I could delve into contract squabbles and who is worth what, but I’m going to leave that to message board gurus like Talon, Mort, MuckandGrind, and my favorite, Maka. I am simply going to extend a glove hand to Mr. Skoula when he returns from St. Louis tonight after helping the W’s in the Lou tonight.

In the meantime, I’ll be thinking of cool names for our new number 41, although “My Favorite Martin” is already taken.

I’m open to ideas. Until later,

I am Dutch Schnell, and I…am a goalie racer.

To email Dutch, click here.

To read his past columns, click here.

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