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Dutch Schnell: Good, Clean Fun

by Staff Writer / Minnesota Wild

Dutch Schnell, goalie-racer here, and as you can tell by examining the photo to the left, I just bought a new house!

That’s what happens when the Wild loses a game with six seconds left in regulation to the Vancouver Canucks of all teams. If it had happened against the Nashville Predators, I probably would have bought a big tub of ice cream to eat away my sorrows.

But three or four scoops of Edy’s double fudge brownie wasn’t going to do the trick this time. I had to go big. Instead of worrying about a pair of Swedish twins or Todd Bertuzzi threatening to “take Nick Schultz’ head off,” I’ll worry about mortgage payments and leaky basements.

Let me briefly stray away from this Canuck talk for a minute because I’m feeling a bit queasy. I’d like to go back a bit further to last week if you’ll indulge me for a spell. As you know, in last week’s diatribe I shamefully lobbied for your votes in a homepage poll, which asked what your favorite new feature of the website was.

At the time my story went to press, I was enjoying an early lead. By the time the voting booths closed and the votes were tabulated at all the precincts, I had lost to “The new design,” which garnered 36% of the vote, to my second place finish of 22%.

My spirits were somewhat lifted by an email I received late Monday from Andrew Cook, who earned an appearances in this week’s column due to his outstanding prose:

I find it horrifying that the SOH would choose a "design" over a high-caliber athlete and charismatic figure such as yourself!  By the latest web polls (which I have voted in at LEAST five times) the "design" has a commanding lead.  I am saddened.  Saddened like when the Jonathan Cheechoo scores goals that take the wind out our proverbial sails this weekend. 
Keep writing, I know once I get the recall voting started, we can clearly show you are the fan’s choice!


I’m gently nodding my head approvingly, A.C. For that, I am going to seriously push for the future Dutchess of Schnell to let me invite you to our wedding.

However, despite your valiant efforts, at this time, I must officially concede the vote to “The new design” and congratulate it on a well-run campaign. I harbor no bitterness at the “Design” for its slanderous attack ads and questioning my ability to write this column. First and foremost, I am a citizen of the State ofHockey, and I know that we can all live peacefully under the “Design’s” regime.

It’s time to move on because all these depressing thoughts are making me want to isolate myself in a dark room while listening to Coldplay and reading the end of Where the Red Fern Grows.

I’m pretty sure a win tonight in Vancouver would boost my spirits, especially when the future Dutchess of Schnell is yelling at me as to where I should put the couch. (Note: rest easy people, the future Dutchess and I will not be living together until after the nuptials are exchanged because I am nothing if not pure as the driven snow).

Now, I won’t get into the mudslinging that has run rampant on the ice and on the message boards of the two teams. I mean, what good would it do? The Canuck fans are adamant that they don’t care about a five-year-old team like the Wild, and if you don’t believe me, you can read the thousands of threads they’ve posted on the Wild message boards to pound that message home.

After Nucks rookie Alexander Burrows flipped a puck at Wes Walz when the buzzer sounded onWednesday, some of you may be pulling for The Boogeyman to get all William Wallace on Burrows and his mates tonight. Not me. Let’s leave the shenanigans to the goalie-racers, and play some hockey.

Besides, not all Canucks are bad. Markus Naslund, Richard Park, Anson Carter, Alex Auld and Brendan Morrison are all tremendous talents and will likely be invited to my wedding. Moreover, the Sedin twins are penciled in as the ring bearer and flower man. They don’t all want to take off Nick’s head. But if they threaten to tonight, they’ll be instantaneously crossed off the guest list and we’ll be reduced to crashing a la John Beckwith.

I’m looking for some good, clean fun tonight with the Wild coming out on top on the strength of goals not scored by someone named Gaborik, Rolston or Walz. Who knows what I’ll end up doing if the Wild end up losing tonight? But I certainly hope the country of Luxembourg is not up for sale because as evidenced by the effects Wednesday, my sorrowful spending habits are getting out of control.

I am Dutch Schnell, and I…am a goalie racer.

Want to see what else Dutch has to say? Click here

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