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Dutch Schnell: Dutch Has Mail

by Staff Writer / Minnesota Wild

Dutch Schnell, goalie-racer here, and as you can tell by scanning the photo to the left, I have ink all over my face.

That’s right all you State of Hockey legionnaires, I just got done sifting through my mailbag that Andy the Intern dumped on my desk before scurrying away like a startled mouse.

I must say, the overwhelmingly positive vibes in these submissions pleasantly surprises me. Y’all know how to make a goalie racer feel good, whether you’re from our great State of Hockey, or from Warsaw, Poland.

Although I think these 10 letters pretty much covers my entire fan base, if any of you happen to stumble on this page, you can feel free to email me by clicking here.

If you ever want to fill in as our goalie, we play on Tuesday nights in Cottage Grove.  We need some speed and physicality from our goalie position.  Let me know,
John S.
Park Place Hackers


I can tell by your brief and eloquent email that you are the epitome of Minnesota Nice. I’m especially impressed by your use of the word “physicality,” a highly underused, and underrated word.

I must respectfully decline your offer as Tuesday night is crocheting class at the local REC center with the future Mrs. Schnell. They serve Hamburger Helper there!


I was wondering how many people (Wild fans) know all of our North Star pennants and retired numbers hang in the rafters in the Lone Star state. My fiancé and I went to a Maverick game over the holidays and I was sick the whole game having to stare at Neal Broten’s #7 hanging somewhere other than the State of Hockey. Can you help let other fans know about this? Thanks Dutch!

Season ticket holder Tony Faymoville

No Tony, thank you, you master of manners! Because you’re such a friendly feller whose last name sounds like a town that I would love to live in some day, I’ll overlook the fact that you were at a basketball game.

I ask you this. Can you blame the Texans for wanting to bring a piece of our great state to their dust bowl? These are the same people who, upon meeting you say, “Don’t mess with Texas,” before they say “howdy.” Just remind them that Alaska dwarfs their state, and be on your merry way, knowing that the true home of Neal Broten is right here in the State of Hockey.

Why do you rock so hard?


Not only do you have the coolest single name since “Bono,” but you get right to the point, and I’m down with that.

The answer to your question is...when I rock soft, I look like someone with indigestion hesitating about whether or not they should make a B-line for the facilities. Plus, my hair looks pretty sweet when I rock hard.


Are you at all worried about the Wild facing Calgary on Saturday? I mean they’ve beaten us three straight?


Ben S.
Maple Grove, MN


 Do we really have to be worried about these guys on Saturday night?
I see where you’re coming from my friend. It’s totally natural for doubts to seep into your mind when somehow, some way, our beloved W’s have dropped three straight to a dangerous team like the “red hot” Flames. But I have some good news. If you’ll watch this video, you’ll see that the division-leading Flames are letting their recent successes go to their collective heads, and they’re losing their collective focus.

As you can see, these guys are more concerned with making flashy, high-tech videos with amazing special effects and pyrotechnics, than they are about an upcoming match up with a division rival. It’s a remarkable production, and don’t get me wrong, the public service advising you to avoid touching a flame when it’s red hot should not be ignored. But these guys obviously appear more concerned with furthering their performing arts skills, not focusing on a fierce battle with a Northwest division rival.

Dear Dutch,
I LOVE your articles!!!! They make me laugh every time read them! Great sense of humor!!!!

I’ll call you later Mom.

Being the Hockey Guru that you are, what’s up with Bulldogs? Click this link for the national standings –
Thanks for being you Dutch!


No, LRB, thanks for being you, although I smell a hint of Golden Gopher in your email. You should probably go wash that off.

You and I both know that 2006 is the year of the Bulldog, and when the UMD Bulldogs take on the Ferris State Bulldogs in the national championship, something’s going to give.

Hey Dutch,

 So what are the qualifications of the goalie racers? Do you guys all have hockey backgrounds? Are you guys mostly from here? Is there a place a person could go and read up on the goalie racers and their backgrounds?

 Thanks for your time,

I could dedicate a whole column to your inquisitive questions, and to be quite honest with you, I probably will. Trust me, I’ve got spare time.

I just hope that you are looking for this information for your own leisure and entertainment, and not because you are trying to push your kids into goalie racing to simply fill up your piggy bank (though I don’t blame you because if you heard that professional goalie-racing pays handsomely, you heard correct).


I love your columns. My buddies and I are trying to plan our own goalie racing for local division III hockey team intermissions. Is there a rulebook or “guidelines” for goalie racing?

Jimi Van G.

Jimi V G

Ah, yes. I came up with many goalie racers who opted to go the Division III route. I was close to doing the same, but opted to accept a last minute full ride offer from the Harvard of Northeastern Minnesota (and if you are wondering what school that is SOH legion, you need to start reading more books without pictures).

But Jimi, I strongly advise against implementing goalie races at a local rink. It’s too late for me, but you can save yourself, and your brethren.


Next race needs more "PHYSICALITY".  You guys were skating like you had eggs (Olson) in your pockets.  Piney Woods’ daycare has more physical play on the jungle gym.  I hope this is just a means to lower our expectations and then WOW us on January 20.

Just an ex-goalie and racer wannabe,

Mike Greenlay

First of all Mike, I don’t like how you steal your vernacular from my friend, Johns. Secondly, using too many CAPITAL letters when it’s completely unnecessary is my thing, so that’s strike two against you.

But if you’re the Mike Greenlay that I think you might be, I’m going to let your harsh tone slide, simply because I don’t want you to unleash Dan Terhaar on me. That guy is so strong; he can squeeze water out of a rock.

Dear Friends,

My name is Lukasz Kusiak. I am 18 years old. I live in Poland. My hobby is sport. My favourite discipline of sport is ice hockey. I am very keen on it. In my leisure time I often play hockey with my friends. I am kindly asking You to send me advertising materials - gadgets, badges, pin emblems, autographs, photos, tickets for past games, posters, stickers, etc.-connected with Your Fantastic Club. I hope I am not putting you to too much trouble with this letter. Thank you very, very much for interest in my person and my request. I wish you good luck and a lot of hockey successes!!!
Lukasz Kusiak

First of all Lukasz, you have one of the best hockey names in history. Here’s hoping we see it on the back of an NHL jersey right quick. Second, I am keen on you, simply because no one has ever been so polite to me. We can all learn a lesson from you my friend. You’re good people.

I’m fresh out of gadgets and advertising materials, but I will send you my best wishes in life successes. You deserve them, and I know you’ll get them.

I am Dutch Schnell, and I…am a goalie racer.

If for some reason, you want to subject yourself to more of Dutch’s ramblings, or to see what goalie racing is all about, click here.

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