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Dutch Schnell: Back For Camp

by Staff Writer / Minnesota Wild

Dutch Schnell, goalie-racer here, and as you can tell by perusing the photo to the left, I’m married!

That’s exactly correct my goalie-racing gurus, I am off the market, and you single phillies will just have to go back to scouring weight rooms, and livestock auctions to find your soul mate. This handsome young hunk of heavy padding is a one-woman goalie-racer. You’re just going to have to square with that me bonny lasses.

I want to thank all of you (Douglass de Muth) for checking in on me during my down time (what can I say? We all need to recharge during the offseason, and it’s in my contract) to check on how my summer progressed and to ask how my nuptials to the Dutchess of Schnell went. Swimmingly Douglass. Absolutely swimmingly!

I don’t want to get bogged down talking about easily one of the top 25 days of my life, but I know you all

 We now present to you Dutch and the Dutchess of Schnell.
have some romantic queries, so I’ll quickly answer all wedding-related inquiries and then get on to today’s task at hand, Wild training camp presented by Wells Fargo.

Answer #1 -- Brown, with bows that tied in the back and brown shoes with two-inch heels
Answer #2 – Cascading lilies and tulips accented with greens
Answer #3 – Pottery Barn, Crate & Barrel and Target. Lay off the glassware please. I’ve got more crystal than you can shake an illegally curved stick at.
Answer #4 – Playa del Carmen, Mexico. And let me tell you, they know how to make a delicious drink at the poolside bar down there, but you might as well be speaking Spanish when it comes to goalie-racing. They were totally clueless!
Answer #5 – 25 pounds. But I’m getting back to racing shape thanks to daily to Sweatin’ to the Oldies workouts with Strength and Conditioning coach Kirk Olson and Wild media relations guru, Aaron Sickman. These guys keep me motivated and I vow to be back in racing shape by Opening Night. Yes, there will be a goalie race on Opening Night, as well as a surprise announcement in the coming weeks regarding said race.
Answer #6 -- Yes, puppy-hater Egg Olson was invited. In fact, I made him an usher. It was either that, or deal with him sabotaging the night by springing his cockroach farm loose in the reception hall.

So, with Save the Dates going out and arguing over whether or not we really need chair covers, I’ve been as removed from the goings-on in our great hockey society for a good four months. Hence, the lack of submissions on our fair communications outlet,

So, what’d I miss? Did we do anything this offseason?

***Pause for the reading audience to say, "whaaaaaaaa?"***

I’m not going to lie to you. I think the Wild really improved in the offseason. You can call me nothing but an ignoramus, but I’ll stand by that assertion. Granted, the days of Hnat Domenichelli, Peter Bartos and Kai Nurminen (the only Wild player to score on every shot he ever took) will always have a spot in my heart, but I’m going to have to say I agree with the moves our leader, Doug Risebrough executed in July.

Now, I’m not here to be a Debbie Downer, because really, it’s tough even for local columnists to find a weakness in this team, but I must bring folks back to reality for a spell.

Just because this is the most talented team in franchise history DOES NOT mean that the club will skip training camp this year and hand over the ice time to a bunch of weekend warriors and goalie-racing wannabes.

Head coach Jacques Lemaire will still put them through rigorous drills that I assume will involve passing an egg back-and-forth to soften the hands and tying Manny Fernandez to the net and firing pucks at his prone body until he overcomes a fear of the puck. I can only hope my first visit to a Wild training camp practice will end with a spirited game of Hongo or Pom Pom Pullaway.

That’s at least what I expect, although my new colleague Brad Bombardir has been warning me that I may be caught off guard as I take in my first Wild training camp.

The thing to remember about Mr. Bombardir, or “Da Bomb” as he insists people call him, is that he’s got an inferiority complex because he couldn’t quite cut it in recruitment to the University of Minnesota-Duluth, and had to settle for life on the prairie in Grand Forks at the University of North Dakota, which I believe

 You go for it Bomber! Whatever works Bud!
was Division III at the time.

He got over it, and he’s even got his name on the Stanley Cup and holds the distinction of being named Wild captain more than anybody else in team history. But one still has to take everything he says with a grain of salt, because as my grandmother would say, "he’s a few hairs short of a wig." How many Directors of Community Relations do you know that sit in an office chair for every golf shot?

But he has been through the training camp wars, and he knows as well as I do that these next three weeks are pivotal, (or as he and his countrymen spell it “pivoutal”) in preparing the Wild to hit the ice with full force in October. We’re not going to work ourselves into game shape on October 5. We’ll be in game shape on October 5.

Ah, October 5, that word/number combo just rolls off the mouthguard. The debut of the Gaborik-Demitra-insert 50 assist guy here line, the homecoming of a Jefferson Jaguar, and a goalie race.

It’s for sure going to be the best day of my life, but that’s not saying a whole lot, because… I am Dutch Schnell, and I…am a goalie racer.

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