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Dutch Schnell: Awaiting Koivoodoo

by Staff Writer / Minnesota Wild

Dutch Schnell: Awaiting Koivoodoo

altDutch Schnell, goalie-racer here, and as you can tell by looking at the picture to the left, I am in a much better mood today, than I was a week ago. A healthy number of you were concerned with my well being after my less-than-cheery-toned column a week ago. If you’ll recall, I vented about my distaste for a certain “holiday” on October 31, as well as the number of injuries afflicting our beloved Minnesota Wild.

First off, thanks to all of you for the Hallmark cards, telegrams and singing telegrams assuring me that everything will be all right. I can’t tell you how much your words of healing meant to me. I…I just…I’m sorry…I think there’s some dust in my eye. I’m not really crying. Just…just give me one second.

Whoo! Sorry about that. You know how bad the pollen is this time of year in St. Paul. Anyway, second on

 Wild intern Andy Oberle (left) delivers daily clips to former Twins employee, Wayne Petersen. Nice of you to dress up for work, fellas.
the agenda for today is calming down the people who just kicked the garbage can under their desk, startling Andy the intern (I don’t know if your intern’s name is Andy, but ours is), and forcing him to hide in a custodial closet for four hours.

I know what you’re thinking State of Hockey legion, because I am nothing if not a certified mind reader.

“You’ve got some nerve, Schnell!” you are muttering under your breath, so your boss is none the wiser that you’re not working on your TPS reports. “How can you possibly be calm when the Wild are in the middle of a road trip beginning to resemble a stroll through a minefield?”

The Wild have seen better days, I will grant you. Goals have been about as rare as black pearls and injuries have been about as prevalent as the lice in goalie-racer Egg Olson’s hair. And I’ll admit, I was a bit perplexed when I was surfing the Internet (not on the clock Mr. Naegele, Jr., I promise), and came across the following poll on, the official website of the Vancouver Canucks:

Do you feel more or less comfortable that Alex Auld can handle the duties while Dan Cloutier is out of action after Wednesday’s game?

Not bad, it was Minny
I want Dan back
Still Feel Leery

Not BAD, it was MINNY? Them’s fightin’ words Mr. Canucks Webmaster. Need I hearken back to the spring of 2003? I’m quite certain you don’t want me to go there.

And to think, we give you lumberjacks a great guy like Richard Park to try and implement some class on that team, and this is how you repay us? I can only say that you are lucky that I’m 3,000 miles away and have little or no means of paying for a flight out there to go eyeball to eyeball with you. I’ve got a wedding to pay for this summer.

But I will take solace in promptly removing you from the guest list for said wedding. You will join Calgary Flames defenseman Rhett Warrener, and Phoenix Coyotes forward Tyson Nash on the outside looking in, my friend. And I will not think twice about changing my mind. And, don’t even try to convince the future Mrs. Schnell to sway my stance. I assure you that she feels the same way I do.

Now, let me get back to telling you why I have no qualms about the position of our beloved Wild. If the playoffs started today, the Wild would be matched up with none other than the aforementioned Canucks in the Western Conference quarterfinals. Things could change between now and the end of the season, but if they don’t, the Wild are sure to remember the now-infamous poll on And yes, I will take it upon myself to remind them if necessary.

 Don’t let the blond hair and infectious smile fool you, Koivoodoo is about to haunt the Western Conference.
Furthermore, by the time you read next Friday’s installment of “Dutch: The Saga,” Mikko Koivu, the Fabulous Finn will be fully entrenched in the Wild system. He has never seen NHL regulation action, but it matters not. Koivu is going to give this Wild team the spark it needs to pump some goals into the net again. That is not a prediction -- it is a stated FACT.

And soon, we will be searching for a nickname suitable for our soon-to-be savior. I’m leaning towards Koivoodoo, but there’s still time to tinker.

Help is on the way Wild fans, so rest easy. And tell Andy it’s safe to come out now.

I am Dutch Schnell, and I…am a goalie-racer.

P.S. Seeing as how I’m forbidden from telling you the scores in the upcoming Wild wins, I will tell you what will happen during the University of Minnesota Twin Cities Campus Gopher/Minnesota Duluth Bulldog men’s hockey series this week:

The ‘Dogs sweep, 6-0 and 11-1, followed by Phil Kessel officially announcing that he will transfer to UMD effective immediately. Mark it DOWN!

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