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So Long Wendel's Moustache

by Mike Ulmer / Toronto Maple Leafs

Wendel Clark will shave his moustache Saturday night at Air Canada Centre. He’s doing it to publicize Movember. In other news, the Leafs are playing Pittsburgh that night.

This moustache thing is significant. Picture Stephen Harper going with a Mohawk or Lady Gaga wearing a dress made of vegetables.

It takes a brave man to shear away his face duvet, or in Wendel’s case his punch absorber.  I am lobbying for a ‘Stache cam’ to chronicle the 12 minutes between the shaving of the old crumb catcher and the arrival of a new one. It would look like one of those time-lapse photo sequences that show the 24-hours in the life of a city except without Wendel or, for that matter, the moustache.

The point is the earliest depiction of a man with a moustache dates back to 300 B.C. or the days of the Original Zilch. Wendel started growing his in 1993 and he has found no reason to shave it until now. Movember is a worldwide movement to promote men’s health in particular and prostate cancer and detection in particular.

All this begs the question, how do you shave a moustache that has called Wendel Clark’s upper lip home for the last 17 years. Clearly, asking for it to go away won’t do it. If Marty McSorley couldn’t knock it off his face, if the seismic level jar from hitting poor Bruce Bell didn’t loosen it, that sucker isn’t going anywhere.

There are logistical elements to consider.

Should the moustache be reassembled into a kind of super moustache and grafted onto the hairless puss of Joe Colborne like some kind of hairy Excalibur?

What happens if the newly freed whiskers begin to mass and mount a commando-style counter attack upon hitting the floor? For that matter, what’s to prevent them from grabbing the razor right out of Wendel’s hand or punching Bob McGill just for fun? If the shave is televised using personnel untrained in hand to hand combat, is there a threat of a hostile takeover that would turn Leafs TV into WendelVision.  My God, what happens if the event is carried by the CBC?

How do you bury a moustache with the tiny DNA of a million Real Sports chicken wings? Are there environmental considerations?

Can you re-assemble the whiskers into any shape other than a steely scowl or would they act little metal shavings repelled by a magnetic pole?

Can you plant the moustache and go into moustache farming. Hey, people laughed at Ginseng.  Is large-scale Fu Manchu farming even feasible?

Do you put the moustache in an underground  time capsule and risk it pounding and plundering all the other underground time capsules?

Let’s try breaking this down into multiple choice questions.

1. What do you use for shaving  cream? A. Molten Lava. B. Camel spittle. C. Alligator snot.

2. How about something to lather it up? A. Porcupine quills. B. Heavy water rods from the Darlington Nuclear Plant. C. Sean Avery.

3. What kind of razor?  A. The Husquarna 240 E chainsaw.  B. Piano wire.  C. Darth Vader’s light sabre.

4. How about an aftershave?  A. Wendel’s distilled tears, shed when he was traded to Quebec. Screw it; let me deal the Smithsonian. B. Goat’s blood stolen from a particularly ill-tempered Maori tribesman. C. Chernobyl rain water.

5. Finally, a choice of towel.  A. Number 1 grade sandpaper; stuff would take the chrome off a trailer hitch. B. Jumbo SOS pads, industrial grade.  C.  A horseshoe.

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