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From the Rafters (3.3.15)

by Wyatt Arndt / Vancouver Canucks
With spring peaking around the corner, the Canucks took on the Sharks on Tuesday night. Read on to find out about the “Selfie Wars”, the dance of the night, and a Tim Bits controversy sure to divide all of Vancouver.

- There is a ring prominently displayed in this picture you sneaky minx! More importantly, you made it a split picture so we could all see Rogers Arena as well. The judges give you a solid 8 out of 10 on your selfie prowess!

- Transformers AND the orange, red, black and yellow Canucks colors? Well done sir, well done. 10 out of 10 on the selfie, you win the best selfie of the night award. You get a free cookie. You can’t redeem the cookie until 2019 though. And it’s an oatmeal raisin cookie. We do admit, our reward system is flawed.

- Steve Nash dropped the puck on the ceremonial faceoff tonight (won by Henrik, as per usual), and was greeted with a standing ovation. Steve Nash, as you may remember, was that player the Grizzlies decided not to trade for, who went on to win two MVP trophies in the NBA.

Sigh.

FIRST PERIOD

- Ok, so the game didn’t start off great. BUT, the Canucks seem to get involved in these games lately, where they trade goals left and right in what seems to be an homage to 80’s hockey. The kind of game that makes the coach pull his moustache out, but the fans can’t help but enjoy.

- At one point Dorsett fought John Scott to try and fire up his team, which is admirable and took a lot of guts. It’s just terrifying to watch the Mountain That Rides live and in person towering over a 6”0 player like he’s a toddler. John Scott is a scary scary man.

- Forget just this game, if Nash can start draining three goalers (that’s the term for it now), sign him to a multi year deal! Imagine Steve Nash erasing multi goal deficits with a single shot?? We’ll work out the mechanics of it all later (maybe install mini basketball hoops on the back of the goalie?) but this idea has merit! If NBA Jam has taught us anything, it’s the importance of a player heating up and draining three bombs! Boomshakalaka!

- Meanwhile in section 311, there was another solid Rogers Arena selfie taking place. Millionaires jersey gives you two extra points, giving you a solid 7 out of 10 for your in arena selfie. Try working in some props next time for higher marks, such as popcorn, or rogue whales wandering throughout the arena.

- Team Blue got ripped off in Tim Bits hockey tonight. Down 1-0, team Blue had a chance to tie the game up, only to be hooked on a breakaway. Fin called for the penalty shot, but the Olympia ice cleaning machines would have none of it. You know what, we’ll talk about this more later, this is still too upsetting to talk about.

SECOND PERIOD

- You know what that looks like? Those look like Canucks gloves that work on touch screen phones. This has now made you a fancy fancy selfie taker WITH functioning gloves. Who is going to have warmer hands than you? Nobody. That’s who.

- Henrik Sedin got his 900th point of his career tonight, which not only made the game 3-1, but also allowed people to start enjoying life again. Birds started chirping, the cherry blossoms started blooming and the mini donuts started donuting. It was glorious.

- OK, so it’s good duck facing, but the question is should you be duck facing? The judges need time to think about this one. Regardless, the duck facing technique is almost flawless, so that deserves some credit.

- Captain Hank made the game 3-2! It was an exciting time, one in which the Emperor had a vested interest in apparently...

- It was a game of many ups and downs, as the Sharks made the game 4-2. Luckily 80’s style hockey means each game can have around 80 lead changes before it’s over.

- Meanwhile, back in the hallways of Rogers Arena (it was selfie mania tonight due to the #RoamOn contest to win Canucks tickets), these two chaps not only repped 40th anniversary jerseys, but also a 2011 Stanley Cup Final jersey. And while it is impossible to think about 2011 without a single, solitary tear running down your cheek, it’s still a solid selfie. 8 out of 10!

THIRD PERIOD

- That looks like way too many men on the ice, that has to be a penalty.

- Sometimes all you gotta do is win da turd. And score goals. Score a lot of goals.

- Somehow the Sharks ended up making it 6-2, but you know what, that’s not very fun to think about. Let’s just all sit back and think about the t-shirt cannon instead. Yeah. That t-shirt cannon was pretty fun.

- While the Canucks may have lost the game, the fans won the dance off. This fine gentleman brought his A game tonight. Not only does he mix in Michael Jordan tongue wagging, he even does thirteen different variations of the lasso rodeo move. The only thing missing? The rolling the dice move.

POST GAME

- OK, so the biggest controversy of the night was by far in the Tim Bits game. Team White takes the 1-0 lead on a nice goal with almost no time left. Game over, right? WRONG. Team Blue skates their bums off and get a breakaway of their own while Team White is still celebrating. Team Blue goes in to tie the game, but nope, Team White trips Team Blue on the breakaway. Fin points to center ice, he knows it’s a penalty, we know it’s a penalty, but NO. The Olympia ice cleaners say it’s not a penalty.

This is a travesty of justice. This game needs to be replayed at a future date. Team Blue, you were robbed tonight. I hope you at least celebrated after the game with ice cream and cookies, because you earned them.

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