It's a guarantee that if this Ovechkin takes the ice, he will disappoint many Washington Capitals fans with his lack of mobility and inability to fire his deadly shot.
This Ovechkin clearly won't be speaking to the media or fans all season.
A Stanley Cup? There's no chance the Capitals even will come close to that goal as long as this stiff Ovechkin with zero personality becomes the team's focal point.
Of course, coach Bruce Boudreau might be out of his mind if he puts a wax sculpture of Ovechkin on his top line. That's right -- Washington's most popular player has been immortalized as a wax sculpture at Madame Tussauds, a project that began in July and will conclude with Tuesday's unveiling.
(Note: Due to a death in the family in Moscow on Monday, the event has been postponed to a later date that has yet to be determined.)
"We are excited that Madam Tussauds has decided to create a wax figure featuring our captain, Alex Ovechkin," Capitals President Dick Patrick said. "I'm sure our fans will be excited to see the new figure that captures Alex's unique style and personality."
SOG: 367 | +/-: 24
Alex Ovechkin vs. Abraham Lincoln
* It's a little-known fact that after Lincoln read the Emancipation Proclamation and received an ovation, he dropped the document on the floor and pretended it was on fire.
* Lincoln never fought the Rangers' Brandon Dubinsky, but was said to be a great wrestler. It can't be confirmed that Lincoln ever said, "Good job, buddy," after one of his bouts, but he probably did.
*Both men have proven you don't need to win a Stanley Cup to be considered the best at your profession.
Alex Ovechkin vs. Babe Ruth
*Ovechkin has been known to hot dog it on the ice while doing his job; Ruth was known to eat hot dogs as if it was his job.
*Ovechkin is larger than life in D.C.; Ruth was larger than life everywhere.
*Ovechkin is an elite athlete who threw out the first pitch at a Baltimore Orioles game this season; Ruth ate a lot of hot dogs and was born in Baltimore.
Alex Ovechkin vs. Samuel L. Jackson
*Ovechkin's career-low was when he finished with a point total in the 80s last season; Jackson's career-low was the '80s, when his most notable role was "hold-up man" in "Coming to America."
*One of Jackson's most memorable quotes is, "Yes, they deserved to die and I hope they burn in hell!" One of Ovechkin's most memorable quotes is, "Yes."
* Jackson's breakout role was a hitman in the Oscar-nominated "Pulp Fiction"; Ovechkin is averaging about 200 hits per season during his career, but has yet to quote any Bible passages before completing a hit.
Alex Ovechkin vs. George Washington
*The legend that Washington had wooden teeth is false, but false teeth are something these two will have in common before Ovechkin's career is over.
*While the story of Washington cutting down a cherry tree is false, Ovechkin has been known to try to knock down Zdeno Chara.
*Both have crossed the Delaware in order to earn victories in New Jersey, but Ovechkin gets the edge because he never had to wear a powdered wig while doing so.
Alex Ovechkin vs. Brad Pitt
* When Ovechkin's career is over, he likely will have rewritten the NHL record books; Pitt currently is starring in the film "Moneyball," the movie that rewrites the history of why the Oakland A's were successful with a miniscule payroll.
*Ovechkin wears No. 8; Pitt has been in "Se7en," "Ocean's Eleven," "Ocean's Twelve," "Twelve Monkeys" and "Ocean's Thirteen." Clearly Pitt hates the No. 8, which seems like a good reason for these two to meet up at Fight Club.
*Pitt met his wife, the beautiful, world-renowned star Angelina Jolie, while filming a movie. They have been together since 2006 and have six children, three of which were adopted from third-world countries. The couple invests time in humanitarian efforts as well; Ovechkin lives with his parents during the hockey season.
Follow Dave Lozo on Twitter: @DaveLozo